the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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