If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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