She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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