Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
