I could make wine with my vomit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
