I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
