I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
