I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
