can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
