Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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