Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
