I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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