i just had sex bonerless
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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