Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
