He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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