just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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