maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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