I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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