I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
