My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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