Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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