I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
