i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
