I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
