I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
