I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
