i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
