i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
