listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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