a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
