woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize