This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
