Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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