I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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