Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
