i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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