I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
