Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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