I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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