He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
