I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
