Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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