if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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