I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
