Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How external is "for external use only"?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
