My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
