I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The uberlube is also flammable
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize