I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
