Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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