I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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