Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
bring money and cleavage
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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