i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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