i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
