Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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