the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
