i permit you to call me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize