It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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